I'd rather be a failure at something I love than a success at something I hate. George Burns

 

I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me. Winston Churchill

 

I have nothing to declare except my genius. Oscar Wilde

 

I have never taken any exercise, except sleeping and resting. Mark Twain

 

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education. Mark Twain

 

I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers. Woody Allen

 

I don't think sex could ever be as rewarding as winning the World Cup. It's not that sex is not great; just that the World Cup is only every four years and sex is a lot more regular than that. Ronaldo

 

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally. W.C. Fields

 

I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house. Zsa Zsa Gabor

 

I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early. Charles Lamb

 

Home is the girl's prison and the woman's workhouse. George Bernard Shaw

 

He who can does. He who cannot, teaches. George Bernard Shaw

 

He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot. Groucho Marx

 

He knows nothing; and he thinks he knows everything. That clearly points to a political career. George Bernard Shaw

 

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment. Will Rogers

 

Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere. Mae West

 

Giving up smoking is easy. I've done it hundreds of times. Anonymous, often erroneously attributed to Mark Twain

 

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names. John F. Kennedy

 

Experience is the name every one gives to their mistakes. Oscar Wilde

 

Don't worry. Being eaten by a crocodile is just like going to sleep. In a giant blender. Homer Simpson

 

Don't think of death as an ending. Think of it as a really effective way of cutting down your expenses. Woody Allen

 

Don't marry a man to reform him - that's what reform schools are for. Mae West

 

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house. George Burns

 

Dancing: the vertical expression of a horizontal desire. George Bernard Shaw

 

Children nowadays are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannise their teachers. Socrates

 

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. Socrates

 

Biologically speaking, if something bites you, it is more likely to be female. Desmond Morris

 

Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before. Mae West

 

Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. Benjamin Franklin

 

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. Mark Twain

 

Ask me no questions, and I'll tell you no lies. Oliver Goldsmith

 

Anything worth doing is worth doing slowly. Mae West

 

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot. Groucho Marx

 

Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have declared you legally insane in order to gain control of your estate. Woody Allen

 

An orgasm a day keeps the doctor away. Mae West

 

Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them so much. Oscar Wilde

 

Although prepared for martyrdom, I preferred that it be postponed. Winston Churchill

 

All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure. Mark Twain

 

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That's his. Oscar Wilde

 

All the things I really like are either immoral, illegal or fattening. Alexander Woollcott

 

All animals are equal but some are more equal than others. George Orwell

 

Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made. George Burns

 

Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue. Dilbert

 

A woman is only a woman, but a good cigar is a smoke. Rudyard Kipling

 

A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it is written on. Sam Goldwyn

 

A man's only as old as the woman he feels. Groucho Marx

 

A man in the house is worth two in the street. Mae West

 

A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he's finished. Zsa Zsa Gabor